So this is on my mind today because one of my cousins is likely dying. This saddens me mainly because I am the oldest Cousin and I'm only going to be 44 in a week. It also saddens me because this is self induced. Nothing so blatant as a gun or pills but a lifetime of Alcohol and drug abuse. I will never likely know the pains and burdens she bore in her life. All I do know is that early on in High School she began self medicating with drugs and alcohol to dull the pain. This last round I actually expected her to die during the binge. She had yet another child removed from her home by the State because she was far more attached to her bottle than her child. Not a new state of affairs for her as we learned through the court cases to get that child removed from her home that she had had 4-5 others taken away also. Obviously there was nothing on this earth that could heal the pain she bore. I cannot imagine what kind of pain she bore that first drove her to the streets and then into years of drug and alcohol abuse while there.
My partner and i have talked about death and dying and what awaits in the after life. If I must define it overly much I imagine that it is like the Heaven/Afterlife in What Dreams May Come. If you haven't seen it I recommend it, have a box of tissues on hand. We have discussed the idea of salvation. I don't personally believe in Hell, not as a punishment. I believe that the Gods are benevolent and loving and do not feel a need to punish us for being exactly what we were made to be, human. However, that said, We can turn away from the gods. If we are so wrapped up in our own pain and misery, if we believe we deserve punishment we can create for ourselves a personal hell.
And like here on this side of the veil if you do not choose to fix your stuff it will not get fixed. You can wallow in your own self pity and misery for the rest of eternity, and no one can save you from yourself. I've not spoken to this particular cousin in years as she's been on a seriously self destructive path for the last several years. Well she has succeeded. When I was told, all I can say is, "that's sad. I hope her passing is as peaceful and pain free as possible." Now the rest is up to her.
The hard part is contemplating her part in this. Can she forgive herself. She has made some incredibly poor choices in life. She has made choices that have forced others to save her children from her. I do not believe that she was cruel or abusive but truly and without a doubt neglectful. I hope that she can look back on he life and see that though her choices were stupendously bad she was doing the best she could with what she had. Her children are all safe and well cared for. She need not worry about what will become of them. I hope that despite the cards dealt her this time around she can believe in a benevolent deity. I hope she can believe that there is not judgement on the other side of the veil but love and healing. Hail and farewell my cousin, I pray you find love and healing at this time of transition.
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