On the Death of a Sociopath

Okay. I always feel a little pang when someone is glad that yet another socio/psychopath is dead. I understand the feeling, really. Having spent years and years wishing and dreaming of all the horrid, painful, and tortuous ways in which I could conceive of the Sociopath (yes I'll go with the definition of socially created psychopath) in my life dying, I really can understand. However this saying rings so very true for me.

Once someone I loved gave me a box of darkness. 

It took me years to understand that this too was a gift. 

I've been very very close to a sociopath, I've seen him up close and personal as he wrangled with who and what he is. I have to say that I too am glad Mr. Castro is dead,  I too am sad that we did not get to learn more about why he is the way he is. However, unless and until we can stop the levels of abuse that create the Sociopath version of this it will continue to happen and knowing the mechanisms will not stop it happening. However, I always advocate learning and I am willing to bear witness to their stories. Because there is a huge difference between the true Psychopath, one who is born FUBAR and one who is broken over time. The sociopath is not a monster they are humans, deeply injured and broken humans.  Often I believe the damage is so great that they will not be functional in this lifetime. They wrangle with what they are, they do not understand why the things they try to do go so very horribly wrong. Hell due to the marvels of the brain and how it protects itself they may not even know what it is they do to others, they too may be disassociated during their acts of brutality. They also do not understand why those they "love", for it is a natural tendency of humans to bond with others and that is called love, flee from them in fear and horror. They really do not understand.

At this point I'm sure some of you think that I am of the "Aw poor little sociopaths lets just hug them and make them all better." No I am not stupid I am compassionate. I have another saying I keep in mind, "Don't hug the buzz saw." Honestly I would not be against euthanize these folks when we identify them and convict them of their crimes. Keeping them alive really serves no purpose. They will not likely ever get better and become a functional part of society. No amount of suffering on their part will ever fix the damage done to their victims, fixing that is up to the victim. And if they can ever get passed the anger they will realize that their perpetrator suffering really does nothing to help them heal. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth simply leaves the world blind and toothless.  No amount of jail time will pay a debt to society. Really take the money and put it into therapy for the victim instead.  No amount of studying them will prevent other sociopaths from being created by fucked up parents. From what I can tell it seems that these individuals have an emotional weakness such that they and other kids go through the same thing but it breaks them in ways the other kids don't experience. I've talked to my uncle and my father was, "always the sensitive child, and everything happened always effected him more deeply." We can't really fix that by studying those who exist. And in my opinion putting them down is much like putting down a rabid dog.

Sociopaths do suffer, unlike a psychopath,  on some level they know that they are broken and what they do is wrong which is why there is much alcohol and drug use, they are self medicating. I can have a level of empathy for these folks that I think most can't because I've watched it up close and personal. I've been able to survive, fix my own shit as best I can and try to understand what happened.  I've experienced both the amazing levels of abuse toward the rest of the world and watched the deep levels of self loathing, enough sometimes to take their own life. I suspect that is why Mr. Castro is dead. I'm not actually trying to convince anyone else to have compassion for this man. I know it is difficult, believe me it took years of work to be able to step back and see these being for the wretched things they are. Compassion is not saying that the things these beings do is right, Forgiveness only means that one recognizes that this being was so broken that he could not have behaved in another way due to the level of broken that they are. Compassion is putting a wounded animal down without hatred and anger.

I believe in loving and beneficent Deities. I do not believe that their goal is to make us suffer nor is it to punish us. I believe that we are here to learn how to co create a reality of love and compassion. I believe that often we are given challenges to try to create a reality of love and compassion that are truly difficult. Being on the wrong end of one of these beings is one of those challenges. I believe that when they die the only hell that they can experience is that which they themselves create (If you have not seen What Dreams May Come I highly recommend it). If they do not trap themselves in a self imposed hell then there is the possibility of healing and an opportunity to try those lessons again. This is my belief, Your Mileage May Vary. SMIB.

Adjusting the Straps; An Ostara Musing

So today is Ostara, Or here abouts. I've been doing lots of mental adjustments and lots of deep thinking in my bid to let go of fear. At this point I am in process of starting up my Sewing Business, really making a go of it. Honestly some of these fears I've had to let go are huge and deep seated in my psyche.Lots of it is fear of what will happen if I am not as I "should" be and realizing that the list of shoulds comes from a very warped perspective that is not in line with who I am. My marriage is not going to fall apart just because I dedicate myself to doing something I love doing. It is a balance and sometimes I will screw up but mostly I expect to get it about right. I have a partner who will speak up if I'm doing it wrong rather than become sullen and sulky. What a blessing a communicative partner is! We will both have to work this balance as he has his own mission in life.

There is another thing, I fear that what I want is a waste of time because it's not important enough. It is not. Helping people feel comfortable in their skin IS important. How many people are uncomfortable in their own skin. I know I have been and it's a heck of a journey to get back from there. Giving people a way to do that is a great goodness. Also doing something I want to do that is not evil or selfish as I have been taught.  Doing something I want to do means being a happier more positive person in my personal life which starts that whole feedback loop of happy/positive/successful with all of my family.

I am afraid of failure. Well who isn't. However, when I had a business before I made a profit by year 3. Not a big one but a profit none the less. I Have business acumen. I can do this. The sewing skills? well one reason I don't think of them is that it's like talking to a fish about water. I haz Mad skillz, really. So we just keep swimming and breathing. I have all that I need to do this and I am setting up a reasonable perimeters to take care of my family as best I can while I build this up.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that my 'chute is packed, I'm adjusting the straps for as much comfort as I can have and I'm about to to the Leap of Faith thing. Lent has been good, Ostara is time to begin moving forward. Stand Back! I got this! (with support from my family and the PTB) Thanks Guys!

Celebrating Lent

Yeah it's contagious out. As a good Pagan I pick and choose, and alter my thinking and borrow from all over to help with my spiritual development. Anything from First People's ideas to Celtic Spirituality to the Catholic Lite (Tastes Great, Less Guilt?) that My Beloved practices. So today is Ash Wednesday and as I am working on things and contemplating my belly button, as I often do, it occurred to me that as My Beloved is giving up a bad habit for Lent perhaps I could look to my own spiritual house and see if I could find something just as important to do. See this is one thing that we each appreciate about our relationship, Gobs of opportunities for Spiritual Growth and an attitude of "this amazing person I found deserves my very best effort." So I did a reading and just asked it about house hunting, and my business in the next 6 months. Really I have no stress or real doubts (more on that later) about mine or My Beloved's commitment one to the other, or how we  have, can, and will continue to grow and work together.

So what to give up for Lent, at his church they are walking a Labyrinth today, an outward symbol of the inward journey. So as I said I consulted the cards and found something. The cards recommended that I let go of something, that I may have to let go of something near and dear to me in order to succeed at the things I'm trying to do. OMFG! Panic Attack City! I CAN'T let go of Tim?!?!? nor Weiland!?!?!? or or or a whole avalanche of things came to mind.

Then a little voice said, "That, let go of that."
I respond with, "But I don't treasure THAT! or do I?"
Fear. . .on lots of different levels. How many times have I explained that I CAN'T not react when things are crazy, when I don't know where the next step is when I feel myself falling into the future and don't see the path, that's instinct to tense to catch yourself!"

Only if you do not fully trust.

I've been working on this for a while. I must say that one thing My Beloved has gifted me with is a return of my Faith. There was a pretty long patch of my path where I felt ineffectual to change things, when my cards told me everything was fine and was going to be great and I did not believe them because what was in front of my eyes at the moment was huge, and scary, and unhappy. But it was there to show me things, teach me lessons and get me prepared for this time in my life. He's helped me step back and see the bigger picture, the longer view, the fact that despite hardships and yes I've had real ones, I have been blessed beyond measure. Never have the Gods abandoned me, Never have they left me hanging always they have answered my call and provided for my true needs.

I have asked and they have delivered beyond my wildest dreams in some areas of my life. Others, they have eased the path. I am provided the things I need with little effort on my part. However, I always have niggling fears, "Am I good enough, am I capable of this thing, does he really love me, will it last, worry worry worry, can I get all this done? fret fret fret." Lots and lots of self-doubt and fear of the what ifs and worry.

My stress ties me in knots, it harms my health and makes me miserable when I should be joyous. Fear also draws Misfortune, I don't need any of that thanks anyway. So for Lent I am working on letting go of my Fear Habit.

I've been misquoting a Quote that My Beloved has hanging on his wall, "Faith is not Belief without Proof, it is Trust without Boundaries." The real Quote is "Faith is not Belief without Proof. It is Trust without Reservations." There is a difference. Trust without Reservations means no hesitations, No last minute knee jerk, "But wait, what if?!" It is to fall forward into the future KNOWING in my heart of hearts that the Gods have got my back. I have all the proof in the world, I am here when so many others who have walked my type of path are not. I am alive and in reasonable health when I should honestly be dead. The Universe has been answering my call so fast of late that it almost gives me whiplash. How can I but Trust that. "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"

So Mote it Be!