On the Death of a Sociopath

Okay. I always feel a little pang when someone is glad that yet another socio/psychopath is dead. I understand the feeling, really. Having spent years and years wishing and dreaming of all the horrid, painful, and tortuous ways in which I could conceive of the Sociopath (yes I'll go with the definition of socially created psychopath) in my life dying, I really can understand. However this saying rings so very true for me.

Once someone I loved gave me a box of darkness. 

It took me years to understand that this too was a gift. 

I've been very very close to a sociopath, I've seen him up close and personal as he wrangled with who and what he is. I have to say that I too am glad Mr. Castro is dead,  I too am sad that we did not get to learn more about why he is the way he is. However, unless and until we can stop the levels of abuse that create the Sociopath version of this it will continue to happen and knowing the mechanisms will not stop it happening. However, I always advocate learning and I am willing to bear witness to their stories. Because there is a huge difference between the true Psychopath, one who is born FUBAR and one who is broken over time. The sociopath is not a monster they are humans, deeply injured and broken humans.  Often I believe the damage is so great that they will not be functional in this lifetime. They wrangle with what they are, they do not understand why the things they try to do go so very horribly wrong. Hell due to the marvels of the brain and how it protects itself they may not even know what it is they do to others, they too may be disassociated during their acts of brutality. They also do not understand why those they "love", for it is a natural tendency of humans to bond with others and that is called love, flee from them in fear and horror. They really do not understand.

At this point I'm sure some of you think that I am of the "Aw poor little sociopaths lets just hug them and make them all better." No I am not stupid I am compassionate. I have another saying I keep in mind, "Don't hug the buzz saw." Honestly I would not be against euthanize these folks when we identify them and convict them of their crimes. Keeping them alive really serves no purpose. They will not likely ever get better and become a functional part of society. No amount of suffering on their part will ever fix the damage done to their victims, fixing that is up to the victim. And if they can ever get passed the anger they will realize that their perpetrator suffering really does nothing to help them heal. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth simply leaves the world blind and toothless.  No amount of jail time will pay a debt to society. Really take the money and put it into therapy for the victim instead.  No amount of studying them will prevent other sociopaths from being created by fucked up parents. From what I can tell it seems that these individuals have an emotional weakness such that they and other kids go through the same thing but it breaks them in ways the other kids don't experience. I've talked to my uncle and my father was, "always the sensitive child, and everything happened always effected him more deeply." We can't really fix that by studying those who exist. And in my opinion putting them down is much like putting down a rabid dog.

Sociopaths do suffer, unlike a psychopath,  on some level they know that they are broken and what they do is wrong which is why there is much alcohol and drug use, they are self medicating. I can have a level of empathy for these folks that I think most can't because I've watched it up close and personal. I've been able to survive, fix my own shit as best I can and try to understand what happened.  I've experienced both the amazing levels of abuse toward the rest of the world and watched the deep levels of self loathing, enough sometimes to take their own life. I suspect that is why Mr. Castro is dead. I'm not actually trying to convince anyone else to have compassion for this man. I know it is difficult, believe me it took years of work to be able to step back and see these being for the wretched things they are. Compassion is not saying that the things these beings do is right, Forgiveness only means that one recognizes that this being was so broken that he could not have behaved in another way due to the level of broken that they are. Compassion is putting a wounded animal down without hatred and anger.

I believe in loving and beneficent Deities. I do not believe that their goal is to make us suffer nor is it to punish us. I believe that we are here to learn how to co create a reality of love and compassion. I believe that often we are given challenges to try to create a reality of love and compassion that are truly difficult. Being on the wrong end of one of these beings is one of those challenges. I believe that when they die the only hell that they can experience is that which they themselves create (If you have not seen What Dreams May Come I highly recommend it). If they do not trap themselves in a self imposed hell then there is the possibility of healing and an opportunity to try those lessons again. This is my belief, Your Mileage May Vary. SMIB.

Adjusting the Straps; An Ostara Musing

So today is Ostara, Or here abouts. I've been doing lots of mental adjustments and lots of deep thinking in my bid to let go of fear. At this point I am in process of starting up my Sewing Business, really making a go of it. Honestly some of these fears I've had to let go are huge and deep seated in my psyche.Lots of it is fear of what will happen if I am not as I "should" be and realizing that the list of shoulds comes from a very warped perspective that is not in line with who I am. My marriage is not going to fall apart just because I dedicate myself to doing something I love doing. It is a balance and sometimes I will screw up but mostly I expect to get it about right. I have a partner who will speak up if I'm doing it wrong rather than become sullen and sulky. What a blessing a communicative partner is! We will both have to work this balance as he has his own mission in life.

There is another thing, I fear that what I want is a waste of time because it's not important enough. It is not. Helping people feel comfortable in their skin IS important. How many people are uncomfortable in their own skin. I know I have been and it's a heck of a journey to get back from there. Giving people a way to do that is a great goodness. Also doing something I want to do that is not evil or selfish as I have been taught.  Doing something I want to do means being a happier more positive person in my personal life which starts that whole feedback loop of happy/positive/successful with all of my family.

I am afraid of failure. Well who isn't. However, when I had a business before I made a profit by year 3. Not a big one but a profit none the less. I Have business acumen. I can do this. The sewing skills? well one reason I don't think of them is that it's like talking to a fish about water. I haz Mad skillz, really. So we just keep swimming and breathing. I have all that I need to do this and I am setting up a reasonable perimeters to take care of my family as best I can while I build this up.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that my 'chute is packed, I'm adjusting the straps for as much comfort as I can have and I'm about to to the Leap of Faith thing. Lent has been good, Ostara is time to begin moving forward. Stand Back! I got this! (with support from my family and the PTB) Thanks Guys!

Celebrating Lent

Yeah it's contagious out. As a good Pagan I pick and choose, and alter my thinking and borrow from all over to help with my spiritual development. Anything from First People's ideas to Celtic Spirituality to the Catholic Lite (Tastes Great, Less Guilt?) that My Beloved practices. So today is Ash Wednesday and as I am working on things and contemplating my belly button, as I often do, it occurred to me that as My Beloved is giving up a bad habit for Lent perhaps I could look to my own spiritual house and see if I could find something just as important to do. See this is one thing that we each appreciate about our relationship, Gobs of opportunities for Spiritual Growth and an attitude of "this amazing person I found deserves my very best effort." So I did a reading and just asked it about house hunting, and my business in the next 6 months. Really I have no stress or real doubts (more on that later) about mine or My Beloved's commitment one to the other, or how we  have, can, and will continue to grow and work together.

So what to give up for Lent, at his church they are walking a Labyrinth today, an outward symbol of the inward journey. So as I said I consulted the cards and found something. The cards recommended that I let go of something, that I may have to let go of something near and dear to me in order to succeed at the things I'm trying to do. OMFG! Panic Attack City! I CAN'T let go of Tim?!?!? nor Weiland!?!?!? or or or a whole avalanche of things came to mind.

Then a little voice said, "That, let go of that."
I respond with, "But I don't treasure THAT! or do I?"
Fear. . .on lots of different levels. How many times have I explained that I CAN'T not react when things are crazy, when I don't know where the next step is when I feel myself falling into the future and don't see the path, that's instinct to tense to catch yourself!"

Only if you do not fully trust.

I've been working on this for a while. I must say that one thing My Beloved has gifted me with is a return of my Faith. There was a pretty long patch of my path where I felt ineffectual to change things, when my cards told me everything was fine and was going to be great and I did not believe them because what was in front of my eyes at the moment was huge, and scary, and unhappy. But it was there to show me things, teach me lessons and get me prepared for this time in my life. He's helped me step back and see the bigger picture, the longer view, the fact that despite hardships and yes I've had real ones, I have been blessed beyond measure. Never have the Gods abandoned me, Never have they left me hanging always they have answered my call and provided for my true needs.

I have asked and they have delivered beyond my wildest dreams in some areas of my life. Others, they have eased the path. I am provided the things I need with little effort on my part. However, I always have niggling fears, "Am I good enough, am I capable of this thing, does he really love me, will it last, worry worry worry, can I get all this done? fret fret fret." Lots and lots of self-doubt and fear of the what ifs and worry.

My stress ties me in knots, it harms my health and makes me miserable when I should be joyous. Fear also draws Misfortune, I don't need any of that thanks anyway. So for Lent I am working on letting go of my Fear Habit.

I've been misquoting a Quote that My Beloved has hanging on his wall, "Faith is not Belief without Proof, it is Trust without Boundaries." The real Quote is "Faith is not Belief without Proof. It is Trust without Reservations." There is a difference. Trust without Reservations means no hesitations, No last minute knee jerk, "But wait, what if?!" It is to fall forward into the future KNOWING in my heart of hearts that the Gods have got my back. I have all the proof in the world, I am here when so many others who have walked my type of path are not. I am alive and in reasonable health when I should honestly be dead. The Universe has been answering my call so fast of late that it almost gives me whiplash. How can I but Trust that. "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"

So Mote it Be!

Churching Gen X

So I'm putting lots of thought into this notion that perhaps there is a vast group of people who are not being served by the church. I'm looking at all religious organizations not just Christians. Since it's hard to count all the little special snowflakes that make up the "Pagan" community, it's hard to tell if we too are waning  However it is obvious that the christian church is. When we look at it, one thing that comes up is that the boomer generation is still served, to some degree by the churches of their parents as they have reformulated it. After that the numbers drop off dramatically. So what is it that the Gen Xers need that they do not get? What of the existing spiritual practices are not serving them and what would? If you look at the Gen Xers, they have often been screwed over by institutions so there is a lack of trust in institutional religion. They are not into doing things as their parents did just because their parents did it that way. In fact, that seems to be one way to get them to reject most anything. Perhaps we have learned far more from our parents than they think we did.

This is not to say that we as a generation do not see the need for ritual but it must be meaningful. It must be meaningful to us. I suspect that our generation is less into having someone between us and God. Yes I think that there can be a leader of ritual, one who is there to give spiritual guidance and say many of the words of ritual.  But perhaps they need not be a class apart, a job unto itself. Perhaps we will find that "church" happens spontaneously when needed rather than same bat time, same bat channel every week. Perhaps there will be a regular schedule so that those who have busy lives know they can come at particular time to get their spiritual community cup filled. May be that "church" happens with the work. I"m not sure how to bring GenX to church. Honestly, what I do know is that what is currently available is driving people away in droves. Not sure that we need an "opposite" to create an opposite effect. Interestingly a thought that occurs to me is that many people when asked say, "I don't have a problem with The Christ and His Teachings, I have a problem with Churches and how they do things."

So what is the issue? Perhaps an examination of that will give answers to how to Church GenX

Hmmmm. Community eh?

Well this is an interesting topic for me. Really in my experience the pagan community has a wide variety of broken units. Understandably so as they tend to be those who are not comfortably fitting into the nice boxes society provides for us. We are taught that we need no go between to communicate to the Gods and we can all be solitary practitioners. So what we have is a lot of special snowflakes and solitary practitioners. Creating a group of that is not an easy task nor is it frequent. For myself I find it useful to practice as the village wise woman. I keep to myself on the edge of the community, if i see things that need to be done I follow my partner's phrase, "someone needs to do something. Well I'm a someone." And I get to work. If someone needs me the Gods will bring them to me or me to them. I'm not out for my garter(s), just there should someone need something. The idea of purposely starting a group seems counter intuitive to me but likely I'll be doing that in the future as it is how my partner operates and as his partner I'll be in the thick of things.

Seeing the lessons

So for my birthday, message received.

I was joking with my partner about how I can could make improvements to me. The joke being, "I don't have birthdays. I level up." Where should I spend my points, what should I do to be a better me. Hell I was even contemplating the prayers my partner had sent up as perhaps I should look to my own house.
Then the PTB (tm) stepped in. I got requests for help or to be a support person for others walking paths I've been on in my life. Lost count of the number of times I said, "yes of course, I  know how she/you feel. Been there done that."

Message received: "take two gold stars out of petty cash. You are doing exceedingly well." I'm fine the way I am. I am doing well in recovering from all that I've seen and experienced. I have been through the fires several times and come out stronger though not harder.
It's not often you get a direct communication from the Gods.
Thanks for the birthday pat on the back.
Yeah it's all good.

On Death and Dying, Forgiveness and Healing

So this is on my mind today because one of my cousins is likely dying. This saddens me mainly because I am the oldest Cousin and I'm only going to be 44 in a week. It also saddens me because this is self induced. Nothing so blatant as a gun or pills but a lifetime of Alcohol and drug abuse. I will never likely know the pains and burdens she bore in her life. All I do know is that early on in High School she began self medicating with drugs and alcohol to dull the pain. This last round I actually expected her to die during the binge. She had yet another child removed from her home by the State because she was far more attached to her bottle than her child. Not a new state of affairs for her as we learned through the court cases to get that child removed from her home that she had had 4-5 others taken away also.  Obviously there was nothing on this earth that could heal the pain she bore. I cannot imagine what kind of pain she bore that first drove her to the streets and then into years of drug and alcohol abuse while there.

My partner and i have talked about death and dying and what awaits in the after life. If I must define it overly much I imagine that it is like the Heaven/Afterlife in What Dreams May Come.  If you haven't seen it I recommend it, have a box of tissues on hand. We have discussed the idea of salvation. I don't personally believe in Hell, not as a punishment. I believe that the Gods are benevolent and loving and do not feel a need to punish us for being exactly what we were made to be, human. However, that said, We can turn away from the gods. If we are so wrapped up in our own pain and misery, if we believe we deserve punishment we can create for ourselves a personal hell.

And like here on this side of the veil if you do not choose to fix your stuff it will not get fixed. You can wallow in your own self pity and misery for the rest of eternity, and no one can save you from yourself. I've not spoken to this particular cousin in years as she's been on a seriously self destructive path for the last several years. Well she has succeeded. When I was told, all I can say is, "that's sad. I hope her passing is as peaceful and pain free as possible." Now the rest is up to her.

The hard part is contemplating her part in this. Can she forgive herself. She has made some incredibly poor choices in life. She has made choices that have forced others to save her children from her. I do not believe that she was cruel or abusive but truly and without a doubt neglectful. I hope that she can look back on he life and see that though her choices were stupendously bad she was doing the best she could with what she had. Her children are all safe and well cared for. She need not worry about what will become of them. I hope that despite the cards dealt her this time around she can believe in a benevolent deity. I hope she can believe that there is not judgement on the other side of the veil but love and healing. Hail and farewell my cousin, I pray you find love and healing at this time of transition.

The work

Your work is not to drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness. Your job is to simply do your work... sacredly, secretly, and silently... and those with 'eyes to see and ears to hear', will respond. Author Unknown

My partner and i have been talking, it's what we do. So one thing that has been bugging me is when he references the "unchurched" almost as if "churched" was a natural condition. Honestly I was a bit incensed as the people we are focused on serving don't need a frigging church! They need food and clothing and shelter. They feel abandoned by God and everyone. FFS churching them is the last thing they need, or so I thought.  See I don't do church as you may well have guessed. "Service" as represented in my practice happens whenever and wherever it is needed, and nowhere else.

I've learned a great deal about christians and their practices over the last 6 months or so as my partner is working toward being an ECC priest. I've finally come to understand that churched doesn't necessarily mean one who sits in church for Services. More it means one who feels a part of a spiritual community. So basically what my partner is saying is that the homeless, the hungry, and the abandoned who do have a community may through our helping them become "churched" by coming to understand that the Gods have not forgotten them nor abandoned them. That like me all the struggle, effort and working to survive may well be building energy toward radical life changes that simply have not yet manifest. And yes starting with helping the person next to you is an excellent idea as they are often the ones who will be right there doing the work with you. Build your team, chose your goals and work together. SMIB.

Who am I?

Perhaps this is as good a place to start as any. Amusingly this is a tougher post to write than I figured. I guess over time who i am will come out in these pages. So lets just start with why I'm doing this. I've been a practicing pagan for 30+ years and well it's been an interesting trip. Over the last several years things have been adventuresome and my spiritual practice has taken a back seat to survival. Oh I nod at the holidays and push energy when I or people I know are having difficulty, but those who need help have not turned up on my doorstep. I must confess that during the darkest times I lost faith in my relationship with the Gods and in my abilities. I've come to understand that it was all still there, otherwise I may not have survived at all. I did not see the blessings for what they were. So here I am having received a couple of thwacks by the cosmic clue-by-4 and noticed the rather prominently displayed paw print of Coyote smack in the middle of my life putting things back together. Stronger and wiser than I was, yet open to the lessons of the path ahead. This is my journal and I hope it is useful to others.

Answering the Call

So answering the call, living in service to the Gods, How does one do that? Mostly it's a matter of not turning away. When you see someone in need and you know they need to talk, you ask them how they are doing. When you know they are dealing with stuff you listen, give advice and generally be a support person. If it's more obvious give them food, water, money, whatever you can. AND with hold judgements. So what if the buck you give a homeless person goes into a bottle of cheep booze. Hell if I were in that situation I'd need some adult beverages on a regular basis. Wouldn't you? Another thing you do is allow yourself to be an agent of change. When you have the random thought to share something with someone, do it. Wisdom comes from many places, books, stories, movies, the internet. If you see something that makes you think of someone share it with them. Don't forget the coincidences. Being an agent of the Gods means being open to the coincidences that help people along in their path. If need be point out the interplay between you that shows the hand of God (or the paw print of Coyote) don't shy away from it as weird behavior because lots of times people don't see the miracles happening in their path because they are busy with looking for the ginormous flashing road signs and life altering moments not realizing that most often little course corrections are cumulative and bring one to places they never thought they'd see.
I can't tell you how often I've said, "If you had told me a year ago that I would be doing X, I'd have told you that you were crazy. " and often there aren't big changes just little cumulative differences as I go along in life that become all the difference in the world. Well there are also those Improbability Drive level changes that alter your reality and life and how you think things work, but those are pretty rare. But mostly, don't turn away from your fellow human.