Faith, Lost and Found

Faith. Hrm. If there is anything I wrestle with most it is having faith. I am a natural worry wort. I'm waaaaaaaay better than I used to be, but still I worry. What's so funny is that if one takes an honest look at my life, it has been amazingly charmed. I swear the Gods watch over and protect me. It doesn't mean that nothing bad happens in my life but for all that I have seen more than my fair share of grief in life I have always been given the opportunities that have made it not as bad as it could have been. Let me explain, no there is too much let me sum up. . . For all that I had a wretched childhood, I survived it and even recovered. Really the Gods watch. It is a miracle that I was never accidentally killed before the age of 12. Or for that matter killed to silence me. For all that I spent years drinking to kill the pain of my childhood, I never died. As a type one diabetic that is more than a minor miracle. I've had bad marriages but none of them became dangerous. Every time I truly need something it is brought near enough to me to be obtained. I've faced homelessness twice and both times someone reached out and took me in. They were each an adventure in their own ways and for their own reasons, but I did not have to go to a shelter with my son. My son had a tumor in his brain. Benign and located where removal was not only possible but very likely to produce a good outcome with minimal side effects. He came through brain surgery with flying colors. We shall see how successful it all was over the next few years. I cannot say the path was easy but it was most assuredly eased. For that I am grateful. So why do the I wrestle with faith? For one I know I am not immune to misfortunes. Gods know I've seen plenty. I guess some of it is that I don't count on blessings. It's that whole plan for the worst and hope for the best. When life comes apart for me i operate as though the blessings will not come. I do everything in my power to fix it myself. I'm a DIYer as it were. Just in case the blessings do not happen I am ready to do it myself. I guess part of it is that i've seen too many people for whom the blessing doesn't happen and watched while their lives continued to unravel. I guess I have a hard time believing that I am any better or worse than another and that at any time the blessings could fail me. They never have, but if they should i don't want to be caught flat footed. So i go along in life and when it starts to unravel there I am with seam sealer on the job. If the Gods step in I am grateful, but should they ever just step back to see what I will do on my own, I'll be ready.


UPDATE:

So my partner, who is brilliant in a thousand ways and for whom I am deeply grateful, and I were talking about this "lack of faith" that I seem to have. I believe in the co-creative aspect of the Universe. We, all of us, and the Universal Spirit (whatever your concept of Divinity is) are co-creating our reality. Short version is God(s) help those who help themselves. My thought has been that I've been putting an Amazing amount of Energy and effort into turning around my life through the last several years of adventure. And not seeing much response from the Universe. Something my partner said rang very true. "What did you learn? How many people did you help that you may not have had the opportunity to help otherwise? Who is to say that perhaps all that effort and Energy was not being stored up in, say, a fourth dimention that we do not see, only to be released later? Have you not said that your life has suddenly and in many ways become amazingly good and you aren't sure what you did to earn it?" yeah. hmmmmm. perhaps what I need is yet another change in perspective. Thank you My Love. I am still examining it for Opiate kinds of properties, but this makes a lot of things click into place.