I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard that phrase followed by an immense amount of emotional retching. I've heard most everything. I'm gay, I'm straight, I cheated on my husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend, My husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend cheated on me, I have AIDS, I was raped, on and on. Man's inhumanity to man, human's ignorance of how to communicate with one another etc. etc. etc. I've learned how to recognize when it's coming and get the Emotional Retch Bucket (tm) out before I get splattered. I'll even occasionally stick my finger down the metaphorical gullet to help get it out. I recognize that doing this is helpful for people and it's one of many things I've been trained in as a priestess. There are some ground rules I was taught:
FIRST, You cannot save anyone! I can offer advice. I can offer tools and offer support but the person who has to actually fix the problem is the person with the problem. No amount of love/money/patience will fix a person. If they do not want to or are not ready it will not happen. If they are, you can help and witness and walk along side them but you can't do it for them. If they do not get up and walk under their own power then there is nothing for you to do but walk away and help someone who can actually benefit from it.
SECOND, know your boundaries! There are all kinds of boundaries needed. Know when you are out of your depth. If someone is really bat shit crazy I do not have the skill set to help them. I can do some but no I'm not trained at a level to help a person back from the land of the broken. I've walked that path myself, That was my path and I did it my way with the guidance of a skilled professional. I am not that person. DO NOT Hug the Buzz Saw! Sometimes when people are not ready to start their healing journey, they will lash out and get really ugly. Do not allow yourself to be abused while helping another. You are not a Martyr, you are not a Saint, if they aren't ready let go, circle around later and see how they are but don't waste your energy on trying to fix things when the person with the issues is not ready to fix things (see FIRST rule).
THIRD Most the time all they need is someone to listen while they talk their own crap out. One can offer practical advice like how to keep a budget for a young person who was never taught how to do that before leaving home or given directions to the nearest AA group. One can give Tools and tactics for how to not let an abusive spouse hurt the kids and destroy ones life while limping through the last years of mandatory marriage. Much of this is experiential and you pick it up through all the conversations you have with people. Once you've seen how some people have solved a problem , or not solved it, you can pass that knowledge along. Most issues are solved with common sense and the ability to step back and see the issue in a bigger picture, less emotional kind of way.
So why am I looking at this bit of my training again? Well remember how I said that I'd gotten a cosmic Clue-by-4? Yeah I have a couple of situations in which I am reminding myself of these things so that I can bring my A game when it is called for.Oddly they are very similar yet different because of the person with whom I am friends and the person who is disintegrating. One I cannot even really talk about. But a friend is learning the hard way that hugging the buzz saw is not only damaging to oneself, ones children and ones health, but it drives away all those who could help in a bad situation because most healthy people won't let themselves be abused for very long. It is a hard decision to have to let someone sink deep enough so they can push off from the bottom not knowing if they will push off or if they will give up and drown.
In the other my heart bleeds for my friend and sister. She has a son who, like his father, is an addict. A bona-fied genetic addict. His father, however, has walked a path of sobriety for a very long time. My friend's son has only just begun his journey. He has yet to have the experiences necessary to help him make the decision to walk a path of sobriety. As my partner said today, sometimes all we can do is walk beside them. That will be the job of my friend, to watch as her son goes into the world as an addict and see if he can survive it. Like her I pray that her son will emerge from the other side of this part of his journey whole in body, mind, and spirit, wiser from the experience with the ability to walk a path of sobriety. There is no way to know at this point. So I look at this and realize that really the only one I can help is my friend. When this drives her to her knees, as I'm sure it will, I will be there to help her up. I will be ready to hold her when she cries and to try to give her strength to carry on while he travels this very difficult and heartbreaking path. Sometimes it's not even walking with the person with issues but walking with the people who love them.
Gods help these people to find their way through their lessons. Help those who love them to find their way through the situation and learn their own lessons. Give everyone in this situation strength.
SMIB
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